Missus and her ex (we shall call him Tom for now) split up 6 or 7 years ago, and stepdaughter (we shall call her Edwina) is about 13 now. For the past F knows how long (longer than I've known her) she's been a stroppy git and since I refuse to back down to the abuse and be walked over by a f**ing child (as I have put it several times) it's been a matter of time before one of us gave up and walked.

In March Edwina walked. Since then she's lived with her dad and he's made it a living hell for everyone concerned. First of all he went kicking and screaming to social services because I'm a massive danger to his child, to the point where I'm banned from being in the same building as her (so I've been told, I've never been consulted on this one) and as a consequence Edwina was banned by Tom to come here whatsoever unless I was away.

Problem is the only other people I know live in Warrington, which is a 50+mile round trip which he expects us to do twice a fortnight as missus has to see her every other friday and saturday night like he always did (oh the joys of having a monday to friday 9-5 job, wish I had one so I'm not a. making 4 trips to and from work that weekend and b. able to afford to make that trip)

So the solicitors get involved and he writes to our solicitor explaining how Edwina's behaviour has caused tensions with his marriage (f**k him I've had to put up with 4 years, he's whining after 4 months) and how I have to be out of the house as I'm such a danger (you know I'm sure he thinks I break both her legs daily for no reason)

Yesterday Tom and Edwina have an argument and she comes here, stays the night (so we know she thinks she's in danger with me here...) and is expecting her dad to pick her up today.

About half 4, 5pm the phone rings and he says he'll be down shortly. And he was. With all her stuff, ALL of it.

Apparently she decided she's moving back, and that was the first she knew about it.

So how about that? A "person" who has gone to such extents to keep mother and daughter apart gives up his parental responsibility after 4 months and dumps his child with a person who is abusive and dangerous (me) and a lazy slob who never washes (missus, who is the least lazy person I know)

So, do I just send him a "T**t of the year 2010" certificate? Do I out him as a hypocrite who is happy to endanger his daughter on bookface and myface (so what if I get banned) or do I go round (after a long time at the gym) and brick his face in?

Or what other options do I have? I want him to get a grip, realise that he's not superman and that I've been a better dad to his children than he has and he will f**k off out of our lives. Seriously I don't want to see him, hear from him or have him within a mile of our house, and I'll pay to drag him through court to get an injunction. My son has to move back into our bedroom because he can't man up and his actions have been out of order since I've seen any off him...

Apologies for length, and thanks in advance for anyone who does take the time to read

do you want me to come down and kick his arse?

get her some help u ar better than him she is proberly rebelling hope u sort it its not a nice place u want the best for your kids or step kids as for him he aint worth it

[Edited on 11/9/10 by dave-69isit]

I'd happily do it myself. What I'm after is some way of making this git realise he's in the wrong. Mind you this is the kind of person who gets his own way by whining and bitching until he gives in. Trust me he's been slagging my missus off for 6 years.

Which is another point he needs to get over my missus, it's been 6 years...

A Few things.

A. Make it known to your solicitor exactly what has transpired. Have it recorded that Edwina moved back in on her own accord, and that Tom was happy for this to happen.

B. Set the ground rules with Edwina. The ONLY other alternative now, is young persons accommodation (normally nothing much more than a squat or crack house), or boarding school.

C. If he is such an asshole, then im sure he could quite easily have a run in with a random stranger on the walk back from the pub one night....

D. Get the missus to get a handle on the rugrat (and have a wash, apparently ).

Thats what i would do. Oh, and i would get the solicitor to write a really provocative letter recording the facts, and notifying him of your intent to sue for defamation of character.

Well, you'll need to find out if the "ban" amounts to anything. If it's real there will be documents, and as she's living in the home with you, you'll need to get it quashed, otherwise next time you have an argument with "Tom" he'll shop you and you'll be forced to live on a friend's sofa or in a cell. Though TBH, I'm pretty sure it's BS, if you've never seen any docs.

Otherwise, it's up to her mum to lay down the law, she doesn't have to treat you as her "dad" necessarily but if she is unable to treat you with the respect you'd give a teacher or any other "elder" she needs to be corrected.

You need to take the high road with "Tom" -- he's obviously an idiot, his failings shouldn't be allowed to cause you high blood pressure.

Good Luck, Ted

Good luck mate is the first response I have.

My brother has had about 9 years of hell dealing with his Daughters ex-Ar$£-hole (even his own solicitor and barister described him as an ar$£-hole once). It still isn't finished yet. The fall out from it has even included me (allegations that I WILL NOT go into). The ONLY way that you can play it is legally, and sensibly. Record ALL phonecalls, keep a diary of everything, get any allegations against you quashed, even if you have to sue the arse off of him. Get a solicitor involved as soon as possible and most importantly make sure that you find plenty of you time for you and your good lady. It WILL get better, eventually.

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I'd happily do it myself. What I'm after is some way of making this git realise he's in the wrong. Mind you ......

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I won't go into all my experience but just outline where I am now....
Ex missis married for 3rd time, 2 kids one by me, one by No.2 husband.
I am with partner she has 3
children been living with me 14 years.
My child unwanted by ex when marrying No.3 husband, child 16 moves back to dads, all he'll breaks out in my house, partner does not deal with it well nor does my child, me I am in the middle and the house is all mine.

Years of conflict, my child now 20 got a job doing well things are tolerable and our father daughter relationship strong.
Relate counselling for partner and I

I would very seriously urge you as a family to go to Relate for Family counselling, it is the best and IMHO the only chance you have mate
I really feel for you, it's a very complex situation o e you can't win on your own and dealing with hormonal confused 13 year olds is not for the faint hearted
Do it

[Edited on 12/9/10 by snapper]

Lets face it life with kids is crap unless you are extremely fortunate. I love my kids my son lives at home at 23 and works for me. My daughters live away but the only times they call is when they need money. I hear on the news that couples will go to any will length to have treatment to have kids, my advice to them is you are lucky, your life will be a lot less stressful without them.

Agree with Snapper.


Try and get some type of "help" to find what the daughter's issues are. I guess it will not be easy, but there are relationship services who can help. It may work, it may fail but, at least you will have tried and not given up on a daughter after 4 months.

In my eyes that not only makes you a better man, but also a better "father" for trying to do what you can with a very difficult situation ...

I'm in almost exactly the same situation (so much so it's a bit spooky in fact!) so I feel your pain Only difference being that our 14 year old little b*tch's dad is 'poorly' so she doesn't want to come home in case 'it makes him worse'....... I've just had to come to terms with putting up with all the cr*p and keeping my mouth shut if I want to stay married and perhaps more importantly ensure that our 5 month old has a mummy and a daddy in the same place at the same time. There have been times though.............

[Edited on 12/9/10 by D Beddows]

I can't offer you much in the way of advice but I would think you'd recieve alot of paper work if you were to be legally prevented from being near someone.

I would think seeing some one about this would do alot of good and might even allow you to get some kind of certification that your not dangerous.

Isnt there a pattern here.......?

All of the problem cases are female.

I am very fortunate, in that my stepdaughter is very good. My four year old runs us ragged though!

sorry you are in a bit of a crappy situation.

Personally I'd do nothing - when he gets sick/old he will reflect on his life and realise he was a crap Dad.

Being a Dad (if you choose to be one) is your most important thing, and in my opinion one of the best measures of your existance.

When he looks back, it will be with regret. Giving him anything to hang his hat on (legal proceedings etc) just gives him the excuse he will be desperatly looking for.

Its a long game, but self criticism is the only effective one.

Yeah apparently a lot of girls her age are the same.

It transpires this morning that she doesn't want anything to do with her dad anymore, but time will tell how long that lasts.. So that side of it's sorted.. Now we need a bigger house...

I think you take a woman on with kids, you take on a responcibility of bringing up the daughter as they generally will spend more time with you as a couple than the farther. teenagers are a right pain in the arse and only worse as a step parent and most have been told at one time or another 'you'r not my farther you cant tell me what to do'!!

Best way is to seak advise before she goes of the rails just to rebel.

ive been there and they go through the teens and come out the otherside. mine ended with my Ex wife and 14year old daughter have moved 300 miles away but my 17year old step daughter stayed with me.

I've been on the other end of the story, albeit not as extreme.

My parents split when I was very young and my Dad went to work overseas.

Whenever my Mum had a boyfriend I used to kick up a real fuss and cause all sorts of problems, particularly when I was around the 10-14 age. It wasn't because of any other reason that some git was trying to tread on my happy litle territory of me and my mum.

When I was 14 my Mum met my now Step Dad, who had kids of his own. He had a very different attitude toward me - being a typical teenager I'd always go down the old story of feeling exlcuded my new boyfriend and inventing situations of being a cast off. Easy to cause major problems that way!

Anyway, my Step Dad (also Steve) would go to extreme's to include me in things, and often would do things just with me. I've never looked at him as a father, or called him Dad etc. But I have a great deal of respect for him - I did throw my full arsenal at him at times (and I was quite a competent at it by that point) but he just used to let it go, knowing that it was just a typical teenage reaction.

My advice would be to spend some quality family time, and do something that Edwina wants to do, rather than force her on some family outing she doesn't like. I guess the secret is to be here whenever she needs you and ignore the tantrums when they erupt.

It's all about patience, and lots of it.

I agree with the above post. I've fallen out with half of my family this year and I wish I'd not been so stubborn now. I'd just take a few deep breaths and take the moral high ground. Try and get on with her a bit better, even if you have to bite your tongue.

Dan

I can't offer any advise, but I do like the sound of the 'certificate' it won't be a good idea to send one, but maybe print it off and have it ready to hand to him next time there is a confrontation.

Don't turn it into a petty fight, for the kids sake. She might be a nightmare but she's still only a kid and doesn't deserve the troubles she's getting. The world is full of idiots, it'd be easy to get wound up by all of them but it's far better to rise above it and get on with life, ensuring you're legally covered and in the right so it won't come back to bite you.

try to listen to her, you can let her do the moving out at 16 thing, Ive seen way too many people do that and it never ends well.
shell be messed up from the whole situation and blaming everyone for it.

I have three reactions to this situation:

1 - Thank god I have a simple family and home life! Sorry if that offends, but in a perverse way, you have reinforced the good feeling I have about my life!

2 - Get a grip on the situation. You need to lay clear rules out for Edwina. You need to lay clear rules out for your partner (including washing! ) You need to check the situation if you have any restraining or injunction against you.

3 - Get on with enjoying your life!

Sorry to hear about your sh1t situation...

I guess you already realise that what you'd like to do and what you should do are two entirely separate things!

Head down and get on with it mate... anything else will just come back to bite you in the arse!

Are social-services involved? If so, then give them a bell ASAP to let them know the latest and take your lead from them...

I have 2 cracking stepsons -

Lived with them since they were 8 & 11



Done all the horrific teen crap when they were not so pleasant. Now aged 19 & 22 they have grown up to be decent people.

Their father, never paid maintenance , still hasnt (Thank you CSA) while I paid happily each month for my children.

Ive been threatened with being shot, beaten up and having my car torched.

The lads decided not to see him , age 9, 12 and told him where to get off.

No1 liar, unreliable, and openly hostile to their mum and me. For these reasons he was told to bot off.

There then followed an access court case, I wasnt allowed in the court. My money was ok to house and feed them, take them back and forth to school etc, and be dad 29 days a month. But not in the court where I was gagged.

My wife was ordered by the court to force both lads to see him, the court was used by her ex to financially punish her. Our Costs ran to over £1500 while he sat on legal aid , self employed chaffaur not paying tax or CSA, hitting us in the pocket.

Mixed in with a few threats here and there.

Funny he never said a great deal after he had seen me.........big man on the phone lol.

After 5 or 6 horrible years of bringing 5 teenagers through a difficult part of their lives, with two ex partners both as mad as asshurles.

We now live happily, 2 lads are now adults, well balanced, and fun to be with most of the time.

They detest their father, and will have nothing to do with him.

I have been there for both of them when they dropped themselves in the mire, and have helped them out.

Parental responsibility and importantly reliability is not easily forgotten, once your step daughter works out she is an asshurle at the moment,(hormones mate!) and grows up, she will remember you have been reliable and always there for her.

Head down and play dad, dont give up on your Mrs because of a teenager. Before you know it, you will become me, and have an empty house most of the time. And as many holidays as you can manage.

I could write a bestseller on how to bring up step kids, and all the horrible things they do.

Its the only book thats not in the library, and its probably the hardest thing you will do in your life is take on someone elses children.



And if your a cockney chauffeur who is five foot nowt,with a big suit on. You know where I live.......

Sue your wife and her ex for producing such offspring, then tell Edwina she has 3 days to sort her life out or you'll put her up for adoption (or bin all her stuff, buy her a sleeping bag and show her the front door).

ATB

Simon

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Originally posted by StevieB
My advice would be to spend some quality family time, and do something that Edwina wants to do, (snip)
It's all about patience, and lots of it.

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The problem with teens today is that their access to technology is way, way ahead of anything most of us experienced when we were younger. It serves to give a more sinister side to things, as the usual teen sneaking around that we all did is now suddenly so much easier and can be taken to a larger extreme.

The biggest thing you need to know is that your situation isn't difficult, special or unique - it's just a later version of the 'terrible two's' that everyone has to go through - we had the same $hit with my sister (now 16 and coming out the other side, with the odd relapse). All the usual stuff - Facebook, MSN, "nobody likes me", "everybody hates me", "I wish I was dead, you'll be sorry when I am" - the whole range.

Every time it gets bad, just think "Kevin and Perry Go Large" and laugh (inside, not openly as that's like throwing petrol on the bonfire!).

Look at the way the police control riots these days - they don't wade in with stick and horses anymore. They just contain it and let everyone get bored and go home - most of the arrests come later on when it's safer/easier. Same tactic works with teens as well (and 3 years olds, as I'm finding out tonight )

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Originally posted by StevieB
Every time it gets bad, just think "Kevin and Perry Go Large" and laugh (inside, not openly as that's like throwing petrol on the bonfire!).

Look at the way the police control riots these days - they don't wade in with stick and horses anymore. They just contain it and let everyone get bored and go home - most of the arrests come later on when it's safer/easier. Same tactic works with teens as well (and 3 years olds, as I'm finding out tonight )

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