timf
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| posted on 29/3/04 at 08:21 AM |
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monday jokes
*I met a Dutch girl with inflatable shoes last week, phoned her up to
arrange a date but unfortunately she'd popped her clogs
*Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly; but when they lit a fire in
the craft, it sank, proving once and for all that you can't have your kayak
and heat it
*So I said, "Do you want a game of Darts?" he said "OK then", I said
"Nearest to bull starts". He said, "Baa", I said, "Moo", he said, "You're
closest"
*You see I'm against hunting; in fact I'm a hunt saboteur. I go out the
night before and shoot the fox
*The other day I sent my girlfriend a huge pile of snow. I rang her up; I
said, "Did you get my drift?"
*So I went down the local supermarket, I said, "I want to make a complaint,
this vinegar's got lumps in it", he said, "Those are pickled onions".
*I saw this bloke chatting up a cheetah; I thought, "He's trying to pull a
fast one".
*So I said to this train driver "I want to go to Paris". He said
"Eurostar?" I said, "I've been on telly but I'm no Dean Martin".
*So I said to the Gym instructor "Can you teach me to do the splits?" He
said, "How flexible are you?" I said, "I can't make Tuesdays".
*But I'll tell you what I love doing more than anything: trying to pack
myself in a small suitcase. I can hardly contain myself.
*So I met this gangster who pulls up the back of people's pants, it was
Wedgie Kray.
*So I went to the Chinese restaurant and this duck came up to me with a red
rose and says, "Your eyes sparkle like diamonds". I said, "Waiter, I asked
for a-ROMATIC duck".
*So this bloke says to me, "Can I come in your house and talk about your
carpets?" I thought, "That's all I need, a Je-hoover's witness".
*So I was having dinner with Garry Kasporov (world chess champion) and
there was a check tablecloth. It took him two hours to pass me the salt.
*He said, "You remind me of a pepper-pot", I said "I'll take that as a
condiment".
*So I was in Tesco's and I saw this man and woman wrapped in a barcode. I
said, "Are you two an item?"
*So a lorry-load of tortoises crashed into a trainload of terrapins, I
thought, "That's a turtle disaster".
*Four fonts walk into a bar the barman says "Oi - get out! We don't want
your type in here"
*A jump-lead walks into a bar. The barman says, "I'll serve you, but don't
start anything"
*A priest, a rabbi and a vicar walk into a bar. The barman says, "Is this
some kind of joke?"
*A sandwich walks into a bar. The barman says "Sorry we don't serve food in
here"
*Dyslexic man walks into a bra
*A seal walks into a club...
*A man walks into a bar with a roll of tarmac under his arm and says: "Pint
please, and one for the road."
*A three-legged dog walks into a saloon in the Old West. He slides up to
the >bar and announces: "I'm looking for the man who shot my paw."
*A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the
lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour,
the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. "But why?"
they asked, as they moved off. "Because," he said "I can't stand chess nuts
boasting in an open foyer."
*I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find
any
*I went to the butchers the other day and I bet him 50 quid that he
couldn't reach the meat off the top shelf. And he said, "No, the steaks are
too high."
*My friend drowned in a bowl of muesli. A strong currant pulled him in
*A man came round in hospital after a serious accident. He shouted,
"Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!" The doctor replied, "I know you
can't, We had to cut your arms off".
*Man goes to the doctor, with a strawberry growing out of his head. Doctor
says, "I'll give you some cream to put on it."
*"Doc, I can't stop singing The Green, Green Grass of Home." "That sounds
like Tom Jones syndrome." "Is it common? " "It's not unusual."
*A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet. "My dog's cross-eyed, is there
anything you can do for him?" "Well," says the vet, "let's have a look at
him" So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then checks his teeth.
Finally, he says, "I'm going to have to put him down." "What? Because he's
cross-eyed? " "No, because he's really heavy"
And now for the big finale....
*An inflatable pupil goes to his inflatable school and is having a really
bad day. Bored in his history lesson he gets up and walks out. Walking down
the corridor he sees the inflatable headmaster walking towards him and he
pulls a knife out and stabs him. He runs out of the school. As he gets
outside he thinks again "I hate school" and pulls his knife out and stabs
the inflatable school. He runs off to his inflatable home.
Two hours later his inflatable mum is knocking at his inflatable bedroom
door with the inflatable police. Panicking, inflatable boy pulls out the
knife and stabs himself. Later on the evening he wakes up in an inflatable
hospital and sees the inflatable headmaster is in the inflatable bed next
to him. Shaking his deflated head more in sorrow than in anger, the
headmaster gravely intones:
"You've let me down; you've let the school down but, worst of all, you've
let yourself down"
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David Jenkins
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| posted on 29/3/04 at 08:27 AM |
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Tim,
You REALLY must get out more!!
David
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timf
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| posted on 29/3/04 at 09:07 AM |
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OI
it`s difficuly to open the door of my soft room when they keep tying my arms behind my back.
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chris.russell
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| posted on 29/3/04 at 09:38 AM |
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it may seem strange but some of those jokes are acturally quite funny
Mines a pint
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JoelP
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| posted on 29/3/04 at 03:22 PM |
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not half chris, that one about the strong current has given me the giggles many times today, and i aint smoked anythign either!
the picture of someone eating their cereal in the morning and getting dragged into it by a large raisin just stuck with me all day
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stephen_gusterson
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| posted on 29/3/04 at 07:54 PM |
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I liked the last one 
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thekafer
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| posted on 30/3/04 at 04:59 AM |
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I picture Tim in the corner of his dark room,rocking back&forth hugging his knees............mumbling...something........
I kinda like the last one too..
Whats the difference between a girl from Arkansas and a bowling ball?............
If you absolutely had to,you could eat the bowling ball..
[Edited on 30/3/04 by thekafer]
I'd rather have a bottle in front of me than a frontal labotomy...
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