mangogrooveworkshop
|
| posted on 27/12/04 at 06:05 PM |
|
|
The brick layers report my fav joke
Thanks to mr noye My fav joke of all time. I used to work with brickies and that joke sums em up.
This is a bricklayer's accident report that was printed in the newsletter of the English equivalent of the Workers' Compensation Board.
So here, thanks to John Sedgwick, is this Bricklayer's report.
Dear Sir;
I am writing in response to your request for additional information in Block #3 of the accident reporting form. I put "Poor Planning" as
the cause of my accident. You asked for a more complete explanation and I trust the following details will be sufficient.
I am a bricklayer by trade. On the day of the accident, I was working alone on the roof of a new six-story building. When I completed my work, I found
I had some bricks left over which, when weighed later, were found to weigh 240 lbs. Rather than carry the bricks down by hand, I decided to lower them
in a barrel by using a pulley which was attached to the side of the building at the sixth floor.
Securing the rope at ground level, I went up to the roof, swung the barrel out, and loaded the bricks into it. Then I went down and untied the rope,
holding it tightly to insure a slow descent of the 240 lbs of bricks. You will note on the accident reporting form that my weight is 135 lbs.
Due to my surprise at being jerked off the ground so suddenly, I lost my presence of mind and forgot to let go of the rope. Needless to say, I
proceeded at a rapid rate up the side of the building.
In the vicinity of the third floor, I met the barrel which was now proceeding downward at an equally impressive speed. This explains the fractured
skull, minor abrasions, and the broken collarbone, as listed in Section 3, accident reporting form.
Slowed only slightly, I continued my rapid ascent, not stopping until the fingers of my right hand were two knuckles deep into the pulley which I
mentioned in Paragraph 2 of this correspondence. Fortunately, by this time I had regained my presence of mind and was able to hold tightly to the
rope, in spite of the excruciating pain I was now beginning to experience.
At approximately the same time however, the barrel of bricks hit the ground and the bottom fell out of the barrel. Now devoid of the weight of the
bricks, the barrel weighed approximately 50 lbs.
I refer you again to my weight. As you might imagine, I began a rapid descent down the side of the building. In the vicinity of the third floor, I met
the barrel coming up. This accounts for the two fractured ankles, broken tooth and severe lacerations of my legs and lower body.
Here my luck began to change slightly. The encounter with the barrel seemed to slow me enough to lessen my injuries when I fell into the pile of
bricks and fortunately only three vertebrae were cracked.
I am sorry to report, however, as I lay there on the pile of bricks, in pain, unable to move and watching the empty barrel six stories above me, I
again lost my composure and presence of mind and let go of the rope. 
|
|
|
|
|
Cita
|
| posted on 27/12/04 at 07:13 PM |
|
|
|
|
|
zilspeed
|
| posted on 27/12/04 at 07:46 PM |
|
|
This guy definitely does not charge 7 quid a square metre for blocks 
[Edited on 27/12/04 by zilspeed]
|
|
|
Cita
|
| posted on 27/12/04 at 08:36 PM |
|
|
|
|
|
gazza285
|
| posted on 28/12/04 at 06:50 AM |
|
|
Dear Sir, I write this note to you to tell you of my plight
For at the time of writing, I'm not a pretty sight
Me body is all black and blue, me face a deathly gray
And I write this note to say why Murphy's not at work today.
While working on the 14th floor, some bricks I had to clear
But to toss them down from such a height was not a good idea
The foreman wasn't very pleased, he is an awkward sod
He said I'd have to cart them down the ladders in me hod.
Now shifting all those bricks by hand it was so very slow
So I hoisted up a barrel and secured a rope below
But in me haste to do the job I was to blind to see
That a barrel full of building bricks was heavier than me.
And so when I untied the rope, the barrel fell like lead
And clinging tightly to the rope, I started up instead
I shot up like a rocket, till my dismay I found
That half-way up I met the bloody barrel coming down.
Now the barrel broke me shoulder, as to the ground it sped
And when I reached the top, I banged the pulley with me head
I clung on tightly numb with shock, from this almighty blow
And the barrel spilled out half the bricks some 14 floors below.
Now when these bricks had fallen from the barrel to the floor
I then outweighed the barrel and so started down once more
Still clinging tightly to the rope, me body wracked with pain
And half way down I met the bloody barrel once again.
Now the force of this collision half way down the office block
Caused multiple abrasions and a nasty state of shock
Still clinging tightly to the rope, I fell towards the ground
And I landed on the broken bricks the barrel had scattered round.
I lay there groaning on the ground, I thought I'd past the worst
But the barrel hit the pulley wheel and then the bottom burst
A shower of bricks rained down on me, I didn't have a hope
As I lay there bleeding on the ground I let go of the bloody rope.
Now, the barrel then being heavier, it started down once more
It landed right across me as I lay there on the floor
It broke three ribs and my left arm and I can only say
I hope you'll understand why Murphy's not at work today.
|
|
|
Peteff
|
| posted on 28/12/04 at 09:53 AM |
|
|
The original is available.
http://www.musicweb.uk.net/hoffnung/
It was done by Gerard Hoffnung and has also been covered by the Dubliners at some time.
yours, Pete
I went into the RSPCA office the other day. It was so small you could hardly swing a cat in there.
|
|
|
Peteff
|
| posted on 28/12/04 at 06:31 PM |
|
|
One of my favourites.
A spiritualist faith healer was holding a service and in the crowd was a man with crutches. He asked him his name and was told he was Mr. Brown. He
picked him out to be healed and also another man who looked perfectly alright. When asked what his name and affliction were he replied "My
name ith Thimon Thmith and I have a thevere lithp" They were both blessed and then sent behind a screen and the healer conducted the service
with a special prayer for them both. At the end he called on Mr. Brown to throw his crutches from behind the screen, out they flew. He then called on
Mr. Smith to shout out something for the crowd. They were amazed to hear the words " Mithter Brown hath fallen down"
yours, Pete
I went into the RSPCA office the other day. It was so small you could hardly swing a cat in there.
|
|
|
|
