mangogrooveworkshop
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| posted on 9/6/05 at 04:58 AM |
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Nice story
A woman walks into a curio shop. Looking around at
the exotica, she
notices a very lifelike, life-sized bronze statue of
a rat. It has no
price tag, but is so striking she decides she must
have it.
She takes it to the owner: "How much for the bronze
rat?"
"Twelve dollars for the rat, a hundred dollars for
the story," says
the owner. The woman gives the shop-owner twelve
dollars.
"I'll just take the rat, you can keep the story."
As she walks down the street carrying her bronze rat,
she notices that
a few real rats have crawled out of alleys and
sewers, and begun
following her down the street. This is a bit
disconcerting, so she
begins walking a little faster. Within a couple
blocks, the group of
rats behind her grows to over a hundred, and they
begin squealing.
She starts to trot toward the bay. She takes a
nervous look around
and sees that the rats now number in the
thousands--maybe millions--
and they are all squealing and coming toward her
faster and faster.
Terrified, she runs to the edge of the bay, and
throws the bronze rat
as far out into the bay as she can. Amazingly, the
millions of rats
all jump into the bay after it, and are all drowned.
The woman walks back to the curio shop. "Ah ha," says
the owner, "I'll
bet you have come back for the story?"
No," said the woman, "I came back to see if you have
a bronze traffic
warden."ß
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mangogrooveworkshop
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| posted on 9/6/05 at 05:00 AM |
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RANDOM ACTS OF LUNACY.......
A man who shovelled snow for an hour to clear a space
for his car
during a blizzard in Chicago returned with his vehicle
to find a woman
had taken the space. Understandably, he shot her.
An American teenager was in the hospital yesterday
recovering from
serious head wounds received from an oncoming train.
When asked how he received the injuries, the lad told
police that he was simply trying to see how close he
could get his head to a moving train before he was
hit.
When his 38-calibre revolver failed to fire at its
intended victim
during a hold-up in Long Beach, California, would be
robber James
Elliot did something that can only inspire wonder: He
peered down
the barrel and tried the trigger again. This time it
worked.
The chef at a hotel in Switzerland lost a finger in a
meat- cutting
machine and, after a little hopping around, submitted
a claim to his
insurance company. The company, suspecting negligence,
sent out
one of its men to have a look for himself. He tried
the machine out
and lost a finger. The chef's claim was approved.
A passenger in a taxi tapped the driver on the
shoulder to ask him
something. The driver screamed, lost control of the
cab, nearly hit a bus, drove up over the curb, and
stopped just inches from a large plate glass window.
For a few moments everything was silent in the cab,
then the driver said, " Please, don't ever do that
again. You scared the daylights out of me." The
passenger, who was also frightened, apologised and
said he didn't realise that a tap on the shoulder
could frighten him so much, to which the driver
replied, "I'm sorry, it's really not your fault at
all. Today is my first day driving a cab. I've been
driving a hearse for the last 25 years."
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mangogrooveworkshop
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| posted on 9/6/05 at 05:02 AM |
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"Sometimes when I reflect back on all the Jack Daniels I drink
I feel ashamed. Then I look into the glass and think
about the workers in the brewery and all of their hopes
and dreams If I didn't drink this whiskey, they might be out
of work and their dreams would be shattered. Then I say
to myself, "It is better that I drink this Jack and let their
dreams come true than be selfish and worry about my liver."
~ Jack Handy
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may leave you wondering what the hell
happened to your bra and panties.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"I feel sorry for people who don't drink. When they
wake up in the morning, that's as good as they're
going to feel all day. "
~Frank Sinatra
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may create the illusion that you are
tougher, smarter, faster and better looking than most people.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading."
~ Henny Youngman
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may lead you to think people are
laughing WITH you.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case. Coincidence?
I think not."
~ Stephen Wright
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to think you can sing.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"When we drink, we get drunk. When we get drunk,
we fall asleep. When we fall asleep, we commit no sin.
When we commit no sin, we go to heaven. So, let's all
get drunk and go to heaven!"
~ Brian O'Rourke
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause pregnancy.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"Beer is proof that God loves us and wants
us to be happy."
~ Benjamin Franklin
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like a
retard.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"Without question, the greatest invention in the
history of mankind is beer. Oh, I grant you that the
wheel was also a fine invention, but the wheel does
not go nearly as well with pizza."
~ Dave Barry
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell your friends over
and over again that you love them.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
To some it's a six-pack, to me it's a Support Group. Salvation in a can!
~ Dave Howell
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you can logically
converse with members of the opposite sex without spitting.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
And saving the best for last, as explained by Cliff Clavin,
of Cheers. One afternoon at Cheers, Cliff Clavin was explaining the Buffalo
Theory to his buddy Norm.
Here's how it went:
"Well ya see, Norm, it's like this... A herd of buffalo
can only move as fast as the slowest buffalo. And when
the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones
at the back that are killed first This natural selection is
good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and health of the
whole group keeps improving by the
regular killing of the weakest members. In much the same way, the human
brain can only operate as fast as the
slowest brain cells. Excessive intake of alcohol, as we
know, kills brain cells. But naturally, it attacks the slowest and weakest
brain cells first. In this way, regular consumption of beer eliminates the
weaker brain cells, making the brain a faster and more efficient machine.
That's why you always feel smarter after a few beers."
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you are whispering
when you are not.
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