mangogroove
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| posted on 10/5/04 at 11:55 AM |
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Joke: You know you are in South Africa when
You know you are in S.A. When....
Some of these could be where you live however I doubt it!!! LOL
You know you're in South Africa when/if...WARNING : The following is a
somewhat cynical look at the new South Africa. Fervent patriots
beware...
- The bank checks your great grandparents' credit record before
granting you a credit card.
- The bank issues you a credit card with a limit that you can't even buy
a plane ticket with.
- Your cheque takes 14 days to clear.
- You see these intestine-stuffed-with-meat packs on the shelves of
supermarkets commonly known as Borewors. And when you take them out of
the pack, they're so long that it can be laid along the Great Wall of
China. Or you see people using it to tow their cars.
- You see it says non-South African Burger in some of ID books. (Just in
case you don't know Afrikaans, Nie SA Burger = Non SA Citizen).
- People talk about robots when they really mean traffic lights.
- The telephone company of South Africa overcharges you without you
realising it.
- You dial a toll-free number and nobody answers the phone.
- There's only one person aboard a double-decker bus during peak hours,
namely the bus driver himself.
- You find out there's nothing to watch on TV or it's broadcasting in 11
different official languages.
- When people interpret the STOP sign as a YIELD sign and a YIELD sign
as something totally non-existent.
- You see a traffic circle even though the road is only 3 metres wide.
- There's kingklip on every restaurant menu.
- The waiter snatches your plate the instant your knife and fork are
parallel.
- The guard dogs rush you at the gate, wagging their tails and waiting
to be petted.
- A mini bus taxi passes you, just to stop right in front of you.
- When the road narrows, the guy to the rear of you has right of way.
- You don't stop at a red rob.... traffic light, in case somebody
hijacks your car.
- You buy something that was damaged in the shop, and they won't refund
you.
- Votes have to be recounted until the right party wins.
- You have to prove you don't need a loan to get one.
- A shop clerk makes you feel as if he/she is doing you a favour by
letting you buy from their shop.
- You save up for months to buy a video machine for someone to steal.
- You pay 3 times the value for the above mentioned video machine.
- Your insurance is higher than the repayments on your car.
- You consider it a good month if you only get mugged once.
- When Rwandan refugees start leaving the country because the crime is
too high.
- When the political parties spend time and money worrying about crimes
of the past and ignore the crimes of the present.
- When purse snatching becomes a national sport.
- When people start joking about the crime rate.
- A Toyota Camry is a luxury car that costs as much as a BMW.
- The police ask you if they should follow up on the burglary you've
just reported.
- Locally built cars cost more that imported ones, and how quick and the
amount that these local car prices can drop.
- The rand goes for a dive, and everything goes up, even old stock.
- When you paint your car's registration number on the roof in large
letters.
- When 2 Afrikaans TV programs are separated by a Xhosa announcement of
the following Afrikaans program, and a Zulu commercial.
- The government has more opposition from themselves than from any
opposition party.
- A minister is fired, and returns the government cell phone, but keeps
the G-number-plated BMW.
- The currency takes a dive, and the previous government gets the blame.
- Students from Vaal Driehoek Technikon demands that their debt is
written off... at Pretoria Technikon
- A 45 year old engineer gets replaced by a 25 year old who cannot write
his own name.
- The employees DANCE in front of the building to show how unhappy they
are.
- Half the city pays for the other half's electricity and water supply.
- When a murderer gets a 2 year sentence and a pirate viewer a 6 month
sentence.
- The prisoners strike!
- Crime actually DOES pay.
- People are allowed to reclaim land (For free) that's been bought from
their forefathers.
- The SABC advertises and shows highlights of the program you just
finished viewing.
- The government GIVES you a house, and you complain.
- You can't even go on a business trip to Oz without somebody asking
knowingly: "Oh, having a look around, are you?...."
- The most popular vehicle is a 4X4 designed for driving in snow or
off-road that people buy for the express purpose of driving to Sandton
City/Constantia Village/GreenAcres/The Waterfront to do their grocery
shopping.
- Retail stores go out of their way to be open at the times that are
most inconvenient to the majority of people (8:30 AM to 5:00 PM), and
closed
at the times when most people are able to go shopping (ie.after 5:00
PM).
- The few innovative stores that stay open late have to close down
through lack of business because the sheep, I mean people, can't get it
through
their skulls that you CAN go shopping at 10 PM.
- You attempt to get onto a freeway via an on-ramp and the guy
approaching on the freeway deliberately speeds up to prevent you merging
smoothly with the traffic.
- Or the guy in front of you (always an old man, wearing a hat <---
check, it's true!) stops dead, waiting for a gap onto the freeway.
- You buy a product with a 12-month guarantee (exhaust, video, toaster,
etc) and it expires after 12 months and 3 seconds.
- Locally purchased BMWs and Mercs have a sign on the dash saying "Use
indicators only in case of extreme emergency".
- There is more space between the sole of your foot and the accelerator
pedal than between your rear bumper and the car behind you.
- People would rather drive a flashy car with HUGE repayments and
MASSIVE insurance than live in a decent house.
- A Toyota Hilux bakkie cost as much as a Landrover.
- A pick-up truck is described as a "bakkie" even in english.
- The post office stores letters instead of delivering letters.
- Sam Shilowa calls for a stayaway on his birthday.
- When a South African coming from America/UK has a more pronounced
accent than an actual American/Englishman.
- Someone tells you about all the overseas places they have visited -
over and over and over again.
- In every mall there is 10 curio shops containing the same stuff.
- If you blink, you miss the weather forecast on TV.
- SABC 3 is SABC 2 after 18:30, only in KwaZulu-Natal, except on the
weekend.
- Petrol takes the biggest price jump in history, the banks increase
their interest rates by two percent, and the Rand's value dives by 25%,
but we
are told that; "we have just had the lowest inflation rate increase in
24 years".
- When you go to prison for murder, instead of the death sentence, you
get a nice box of condoms.
- You are likely to spend less time in prison for shooting the SABC
license inspector, than for actually not having a TV license.
- The main headline of the evening TV news is the opinion of an
unemployed squatter who spik inglish no good and calls on the head of
Anglo-American to resign or face the consequences.
- You realise after watching the news on TV that nothing happened in the
rest of the world.
- To alleviate congestion in post office queues, they bring in the
innovative idea of selling scratch cards.
- You are expected to carry a drivers license that doesn't fit into your
wallet.
- The fact that there is an election and people are standing in line
waiting to vote is more important than the result of the election.
- The police advise you not to stop if they wave you down in the middle
of the night but rather speed past them and drive to your nearest police
station.
- People would rather be killed in their beds than live in some country
where they would have to make their beds themselves.
- You can't make a phone call because the copper cables have been
stolen.
- When SOME people start thinking university is free to everyone.
- When employers have to pay the employee wages during strikes and
cannot lock them out.
- When cops are always able to spot you parking/driving illegally but
are optically challenged if you are drive a taxi.
- When things don't get stolen, they get affirmatively acquired.
- When the government rams affirmative action down our throats while
wondering how the graduates & professionals could be so unpatriotic as
to
want to emigrate.
- when the SABC summons you for non-payment of TV license fees - when
you don't have a television.
- When the vote counters in the rural areas are as illiterate as the
voters.
- You no longer request anything, you "DIMAND" it.
- You know what "vowlence" is.
- People are not embarrassed about watching Leon Schuster movies, "Win
and Spin" or "Suburban Bliss".
- When the police offer R 1000.00 for reward leading to the arrest of
someone, or 3 cows.
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theconrodkid
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| posted on 10/5/04 at 02:41 PM |
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1/2 of that is the same over here
who cares who wins
pass the pork pies
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ned
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| posted on 10/5/04 at 03:01 PM |
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especially:
- You attempt to get onto a freeway via an on-ramp and the guy
approaching on the freeway deliberately speeds up to prevent you merging
smoothly with the traffic.
- Or the guy in front of you (always an old man, wearing a hat <---
check, it's true!) stops dead, waiting for a gap onto the freeway.
Ned.
beware, I've got yellow skin
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