A Motorway goes into a pub and shouts
"OI. I'M A MOTORWAY, SIX LANES, TWO HARD SHOULDERS, AND A CENTRAL RESERVATION. I WANT A BEER, AND I MEAN NOW COS' I'M THAT HARD"
The barman serves him.
Shortly afterwards a Dual Carriageway comes into the pub.
The Motorway shouts,
"OI. WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN HERE, I'M A MOTORWAY AND THAT HARD, SO WATCH IT"
The Dual cariageway says "its OK mate I only want a beer, no trouble" and continues with his life.
Then a small piece of red coloured tarmac goes into the bar.
On seeing it, the Motorway stops drinking and runs around to hide behind the Dual Carriageway. "Whats up asks the Dual
Carriageway?"
The Motorway says "I'm not here, you haven't seen me. Schtum"
The Dual Carriage says "you aren't afraid of that little bit of red coloured tarmac are you?"
The Motorway replies,
"It may only be a bit of tarmac to you but I happen to know that its a raving cyclepath"


Sherlock Holmes and Dr Watson went on a camping trip. After a good meal and a bottle of wine they were exhausted and went to sleep. Some hours later, Holmes awoke and nudged his faithful friend. "Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see." Watson replied, "I see millions and millions of stars."
"What does that tell you?"
Watson pondered for a minute. "Astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets.
Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo. Timewise, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three. Theologically, I can see that The lord is all powerful and that we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have, a beautiful day tomorrow. What does it tell you?"
Holmes was silent for a minute, then spoke. "Watson, you idiot, Some bastard has stolen our tent."


A christmas one:
A Russian couple were walking down the street in Moscow one night, when the man felt a drop hit his nose. "I think it's raining", he said to his wife.
"No, that felt more like snow to me", she replied. "No, I'm sure it was just rain, he said".
Well, as these things go, they were about to have a major argument about whether it was raining or snowing. Just then they saw a communist party official walking toward them. "Let's not fight about it", the man said, "Let's ask Comrade Rudolph whether it's officially raining or snowing". As the official approached, the man said, "Tell us, Comrade Rudolph, is it officially raining or snowing?" "It's raining, of course", he replied, and walked on. But the woman insisted: "I know that felt like snow!" To which the man quietly replied: "Rudolph the red knows rain dear."

A poem passed by my spell checker:
Eye halve a spelling chequer;
It came with my pea sea.
It plainly marques four my revue
Miss steaks eye can knot sea.

Eye strike a key and type a whirred
And weight four it two say
Weather eye am wrong or write.
It shows me strait a weigh.

As soon as a mist ache is maid,
It nose bee fore two long;
An dye can put the era rite.
Its rare lea ever wrong.

Eye have run this poem threw it.
I'm sheer your pleased two no
Its letter perfect awl the weigh;
My chequer tolled me sew.



A man goes to visit his 85-year-old grandfather in the hospital.
"How are you grandpa?" he asks.
"Feeling fine," says the old man.
"What's the food like?"
"Terrific, wonderful menus."
"And the nursing?"
"Just couldn't be better. These young nurses really take care of you."
"What about sleeping? Do you sleep OK?"
"No problem at all --- nine hours solid every night. At 10 o'clock they bring me a cup of hot chocolate and a Viagra tablet ... and that's it. I go out like a light."
The grandson is puzzled and a little alarmed by this, so rushes off to question the Sister in charge.
"What are you people doing," he says, "I'm told you're giving an 85-year-old Viagra on a daily basis. Surely that can't be true?"
"Oh, yes," replies the Sister. "Every night at 10 o'clock we give him a cup of hot chocolate and a Viagra tablet. It works wonderfully well. The hot chocolate makes him sleep, and the Viagra stops him from rolling out of bed."


On the day of the wedding, Di was getting dressed, surrounded by all her family, and she suddenly realised she had forgotten to get any shoes. Panic. Then her sister remembered that she had a pair of white shoes from her wedding so she lent them to Di for the day. Unfortunately they were a bit too small and by the time the festivities were over Di's feet were agony. When she and Charlie withdrew to their room the only thing she could think of was getting her shoes off. The rest of the Family crowded round the door to the bedroom and they heard roughly what they expected, grunts, straining noises and the occasional muffled scream. Eventually they heard Charlie say 'God, that was tight. 'There,' whispered the Queen. 'I told you she was a virgin.' Then, to their surprise, they heard Charlie say. 'Right. Now for the other one.' Followed by more grunting and straining and at last Charlie said. 'My God. That was even tighter.' 'That's my boy,' said the Duke. 'Once a sailor, always a sailor.'

And now a few funny video's:

1. HERE IS ONE
2. HERE IS #2
3. Had enough yet? Another?
4. Cringing? Aching? Another?
5. One more?
6. Last one - to make your eyes water

Happy New Year!

[Edited on 28/12/05 by Genesis]

cheers, needed a good laugh