swood
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 posted on 16/12/04 at 10:15 AM |
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Jokes too big for crackers !
My husband, not happy with my mood swings, bought me a mood ring the other
day so he would be able to monitor my moods. When I'm in a good mood it
turns green. When I'm in a bad mood it leaves a big f*ckin' red mark on his forehead.
Maybe next time he'll buy me a diamond !!!!
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A bloke is driving happily along in his car with his girlfriend when he's
pulled over by the Police.The police officer approaches him and asks:
"Have you been drinking Sir?"
Why?" asks the man, "Was I driving badly?"
No" replies the Officer, "You were driving splendidly.
It was the ugly fat bird in the passenger seat that made me suspicious"
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Following a night out with a few friends, a man brought them back to show
off his new flat. After the grand tour, the visitors were rather perplexed
by the large gong taking pride of place in the lounge.
"What's that big brass gong for?" one of the guests asked.
"Why, that's my Speaking Clock", the man replied.
"How does it work?", asked the guest.
"I'll show you", the man said, giving the gong an ear-shattering blow with
an unpadded hammer.
Suddenly, a voice from the other side of the wall screamed,
"For f**ks sake, it's twenty to two in the f*c*ing morning!"
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A funeral service is being held for a woman who has just passed away.At
the end of the service the pall bearers are carrying the casket out when they
accidentally bump into a wall, jarring the casket. They hear a faint moan.
They open the casket and find that the woman is Actually alive.
She lived for ten more years, and then dies peacefully.A ceremony is again
held at the same place, and at the end of the ceremony the pall bearers
are again carrying out the casket. As they are walking, the husband cries out,
"Watch the f*cking wall!""
Two builders (Chris and James) are seated either side of a table in a
rough pub when a well-dressed man enters, orders a beer and sits on a stool
at the bar.
The two builders start to speculate about the occupation of the suit...
Chris: - I reckon he's an accountant.
James: - No way - he's a stockbroker.
Chris: - He ain't no stockbroker ! A stockbroker wouldn't come in here.
The argument repeats itself for some time until the volume of beer
gets the better of Chris and he makes for the toilet. On entering the toilet
he sees that the suit is standing at a urinal. Curiosity and the several
beers get the better of the builder...
Chris: - Scuse me.... no offence meant, but me and me mate were
wondering what you do for a living?
Suit: - No offence taken ! I'm a Logical Scientist by profession!
Chris: - Oh ! What's that then?
Suit: - I'll try to explain by example ...Do you have a goldfish at home?
Chris: - Er ... mmm ... well yeah, I do as it happens!
Suit: - Well, it's logical to follow that you keep it in a bowl or in
a pond. Which is it?
Chris: - It's in a pond!
Suit: - Well then it's reasonable to suppose that you have a large
garden then?
Chris: - As it happens, yes I have got a big garden!
Suit: - Well then it's logical to assume that in this town if you
have a large garden then you have a large house?
Chris: - As it happens I've got a five bedroom house... built it myself!
Suit: - Well given that you've built a five bedroom house it is
logical to assume that you haven't built it just for yourself and that you are
quite probably married?
Chris: - Yes I am married, I live with my wife and three children.
Suit: - Well then it is logical to assume that you are sexually
active with your wife on a regular basis.
Chris:- Yep! Four nights a week!
Suit: - Well then it is logical to suggest that you do not masturbate
very often?
Chris: - Me? Never
Suit: - Well there you are! That's logical science at work!
Chris: - How's that then?
Suit: - Well from finding out that you had a goldfish, I've told you
about your sex life!
Chris: - I see! That's pretty impressive... thanks mate!
Both leave the toilet and Chris returns to his mate.
James: - I see the suit was in there. Did you ask him what he does?
Chris: - Yep! He's a logical scientist!
James: - What's that then?
Chris: - I'll try and explain. Do you have a goldfish?
James: - Nope.
Chris: - Well then, you're a w*nker.
When you're up to your ass in alligators you tend to forget the initial objective was to drain the swamp !.
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