David Jenkins
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| posted on 17/3/05 at 09:56 AM |
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Are you ready to have kids? (looooong!)
Are You Ready To Have Kids?
Follow these 15 simple tests before you decide to have children :
Test 1
Women:
To prepare for maternity, put on a dressing gown and stick a beanbag down
the front. Leave it there for 9 months. After 9 months remove 10% of the
beans.
Men:
To prepare for paternity, go to local chemist, tip the contents of your
wallet onto the counter and tell the pharmacist to help himself. Then
go to
the supermarket and Arrange to have your salary paid directly to their
head office. Go home, Pick up the newspaper and read it for the last time.
Test 2
Find a couple who are already parents and berate them about their methods
of discipline, lack of patience, appallingly low tolerance levels and how
they have allowed their children to run wild. Suggest ways in which they
might improve their child's sleeping habits, toilet training, table manners
and overall behaviour. Enjoy it. It will be the last time in your life that
you will have all the answers.
Test 3
To discover how the nights will feel:
1. Walk around the living room from 5pm to 10pm carrying a wet bag
weighing
approximately 4-6kg, with a radio tuned to static (or some other
obnoxious
sound) playing loudly.
2. At 10pm, put the bag down, set the alarm for midnight and go to
sleep.
3. Get up at 12pm and walk the bag around the living room until 1am
4. Set the alarm for 3am.
5. As you can't get back to sleep, get up at 2am and make a cup of tea.
6. Go to bed at 2.45am.
7. Get up again at 3am when the alarm goes off
8. Sing songs in the dark until 4 am.
9. Put the alarm on for 5am. Get up when it goes off
10. Make breakfast. Keep this up for 5 years. Look cheerful.
Test 4
Dressing small children is not as easy at it seems.
1. Buy a live octopus and a string bag.
2. Attempt to put the octopus into the string bag so that none of the
arms hang out.
3. Time allowed for this - all morning.
Test 5
Forget the BMW and buy a practical 5-door sedan. And don't think that you
can leave it out on the driveway spotless and shining. Family Cars don't
look like that.
1. Buy a chocolate ice cream cone and put it in the glove compartment.
2. Leave it there.
3. Get a coin, insert it into the CD player then remove it with a lump
hammer
4. Take a family size package of chocolate biscuits; mash them into the
back seat.
5. Run a garden rake along both sides of the car.
Test 6
Get ready to go out.
1. Plan to got out at 1pm but wait until 1:15 to get ready
2. Go out the front door.
3. Come in again.
4. Go out.
5. Come back in.
6. Go out again.
7. Walk down the front path/driveway.
8. Walk back up it.
9. Walk down it again.
10. Walk very slowly down the road for five minutes.
11. Stop, inspect minutely, and ask at least 6 questions about every piece
of used chewing gum, dirty tissue, and dead insect along the way.
12. Retrace your steps.
13. Scream that you have had as much as you can stand until the neighbours
come out and stare at you.
14. Give up and go back into the house.
15. You are now just about ready to try taking a small child for a
walk.
Test 7
Repeat everything, and we mean everything you say at least 5 times.
Repeat
everything, and we mean everything you say at least 5 times. Repeat
everything, and we mean everything you say at least 5 times.
Repeat everything, and we mean everything you say atleast 5 times.
Repeat everything, and we mean everything you say at least 5 times.
Test 8
Go to the local supermarket. Take with you the nearest thing you can find
to a pre-school child. A full-grown goat is excellent. If you intend to
have more than one child, take more than one goat. Buy your week's
groceries without letting the goat(s) out of your sight. Pay for everything
the goat eats or destroys. Until you can easily accomplish this, do not
even contemplate having children.
Test 9
1. Hollow out a melon.
2. Make a small hole in the side.
3. Suspend the melon from the ceiling and swing it from side to side
4. Now get a bowl of soggy cornflakes and attempt to spoon them into the
swaying melon while pretending to be an aeroplane.
5. Continue until half the cornflakes are gone.
6. Tip the rest into your lap, making sure that a lot of it falls on the
floor.
7. You are now ready to feed a 12-month-old child.
Test 10
Learn the names of every character from Thomas the Tank Engine, Barney,
Teletubbies and Disney, and all the songs of the Wiggles and Hi5. Watch
nothing else on TV for at least five years.
Test 11
Can you stand the mess children make? To find out:
1. Smear peanut butter onto the sofa and jam onto the curtains.
2. Hide a fish behind the stereo and leave it there all summer.
3. Stick your fingers in the flower beds then rub them on the clean
walls.
4. Cover the stains with crayon.
5. How does that look?
Test 12
Make a recording of Janet Street-Porter (English Journalist turned Z list
Celebrity) with a voice that would shatter glass) shouting "Mummy"
repeatedly. Important: No more than a four second delay between each
"Mummy" - occasional crescendo to the level of a supersonic jet is
required.
Play this tape in your car, everywhere you go for the next four years.
You are now ready to take a long trip with a toddler.
Test 13
Start talking to an adult of your choice. Have someone else continuously
tug on your skirt hem/shirt sleeve/elbow while playing the "Mummy" Tape
made from Test 12 above. You are now ready to have a conversation with an
adult while there is a child in the room.
Test 14
Put on your finest work attire. Pick a day on which you have an important
meeting.
Now:
1. Take a cup of cream, and put 1 cup lemon juice in it.
2. Stir.
3. Dump half of it on your nice silk shirt.
4. Saturate a towel with the other half of the mixture.
5. Attempt to clean your shirt with the saturated towel.
6. Do NOT change. You have no time.
7. Go directly to work.
Test 15
Go for a drive, but first...
1. Find one large tomcat and six pit bulls.
2. Borrow a child safety seat and put it in the back seat of your car.
3. Put the pit bulls in the front seat of your car.
4. While holding something fragile or delicate, strap the cat into the
child seat.
5. For the really adventurous...... Run some errands, remove and replace
the cat at each stop.
If you can pass all 15 tests you are now ready to have kids.
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Andybarbet
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| posted on 17/3/05 at 10:11 AM |
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Wow, someone must have had a video camera in my house for the last five years !!! Its a biography on me and all true......if only i had read it
before ! Anyone thinking of having kids, read it and believe it because if ya dont we will only say " I told you so "
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marktigere1
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| posted on 17/3/05 at 12:38 PM |
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It is all true!!!
But I bet you don't find many normal sane parents exchanging them for anything
Mark
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James
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| posted on 17/3/05 at 02:24 PM |
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Lol! Don't have any and don't intend to anytime soon but that was still funny. 
James
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
"The fight is won or lost far away from witnesses, behind the lines, in the gym and out there on the road, long before I dance under those lights."
- Muhammad Ali
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ned
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| posted on 17/3/05 at 02:38 PM |
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James,
Does Rachel know that lol
Ned 
beware, I've got yellow skin
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David Jenkins
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| posted on 17/3/05 at 02:40 PM |
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quote:
Originally posted by Andybarbet
Wow, someone must have had a video camera in my house for the last five years !!! Its a biography on me and all true......if only i had read it
before ! Anyone thinking of having kids, read it and believe it because if ya dont we will only say " I told you so "
The last time I had those hassles was over 20 years ago - and they still ring true!
DJ
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James
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| posted on 17/3/05 at 03:06 PM |
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quote:
Originally posted by ned
James,
Does Rachel know that lol
Ned
Damn right she does!
What with tight underpants and keeping a mobile phone in my pocket there's not much chance of it being a problem anyway though!
Cheers,
James
[Edited on 17/3/05 by James]
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"The fight is won or lost far away from witnesses, behind the lines, in the gym and out there on the road, long before I dance under those lights."
- Muhammad Ali
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MikeRJ
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| posted on 17/3/05 at 03:50 PM |
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Shortly to become a dad (July 4th). Not exactly planned, and I am terrified to be honest. I can barely look after myself, how am I suposed to cope
with offsrping? 
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Spyderman
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| posted on 17/3/05 at 04:35 PM |
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All very true!
The problem is you never believe it untill you experience it! 
I am a very slow learner! The proof of this is I have 4 children!
Your sanity level definately changes.
When I was single and people asked "do you have/want kids?) I would reply "no, I prefer other peoples kids. Cuz you can give them back
when youv'e had enough!". Amazing how your concept of truth gets diminished with constant harrasment!
Even greater proof of the insanity is that you get used to it and don't want it to change!
Terry
[Edited on 17/3/05 by Spyderman]
Spyderman
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marktigere1
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| posted on 17/3/05 at 04:50 PM |
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Ahh, new Dad syndrome
Don't worry, all us Dad's have been there. You'll manage
Funny how easy to spot new Dad's are though. I was standing in Tesco staring at the unbelievable array of nappies available after my first born
had just arrived in 1999. A helpful lady then tapped me on the shoulder and said "New born nappies? On the end luv"
Boy did I look that bad?? (No sleep I guess)
You'll be fine.
Cheers
Mark
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gazza285
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| posted on 17/3/05 at 06:03 PM |
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While reading this my eldest has just shuffled into the room with his pants round his ankles and asked me if I wanted to wipe his bottom for him. At
least he uses the potty now instead of curling one out on the floor like he used to.
MikeRJ, look foward to it.
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scutter
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| posted on 17/3/05 at 06:19 PM |
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For a glimpse of my life at the mo, try any 10 of the above, with your arm in a sling!
Don't know if the wife was laughing at the 15 tests or some of the responses.
ATB Dan.
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clbarclay
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| posted on 17/3/05 at 07:38 PM |
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On a slightly different tack
A husband ask another husband
"Are you married or happily married?"
The second husband replies
"Happily married of course"
The first husbands response
"Whos the affair with then?"
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