Wanna know about a wanker
Got this in an email today:
I had to take my son's hamster to the vet. Here's what
happened: Just after dinner one
night, my son came up to tell me there
was "something wrong" with one of the two
hamsters he holds prisoner in
his room. "He's just lying there looking sick,"
he told me. "I'm serious,Dad. Can you
help?" I put my best hamster-healer
statement on my face and followed him
into his bedroom. One of the little rodents
was indeed lying on his back, looking
stressed. I immediately knew what to do. "Honey," I
called, "come look at the
hamster!" Oh my gosh," my wife
diagnosed after a minute. "She's having
babies.""What?" my son demanded. "But
their names are Bert and Ernie, Mom!" I was
equally outraged. "Hey, how can that be? I
thought we said we didn't want them to reproduce,"
I accused my wife. "Well,
what do you want me to do, post a sign in their
cage?" she inquired. (I actually think she said
this sarcastically!) "No, but you
were supposed to get two boys!" I reminded her, (in
my most loving, calm, sweet voice, while
gritting my teeth together). "Yeah, Bert and
Ernie!" my son agreed. "Well, it's just a
little hard to tell on some guys, you know,"
she informed me. (Again with the sarcasm,
you think?) By now the rest of the family
had gathered to see what was going on.
I shrugged, deciding to make the best of
it. "Kids, this is going to be a wondrous
experience, I announced. "We're about to witness
the miracle of birth." "OH, Gross!",
they shrieked.
"Well, isn't THAT just Great! What are we
going to do with a litter of tiny little hamster
babies?" my wife wanted to know. (I really do
think she was being snotty here, too. don't
you?) We peered at the patient.
After much struggling, what looked like a
tiny foot would appear briefly, vanishing
a second later. "We don't appear to be
making much progress," I noted. "It's
breech," my wife whispered, horrified. "Do
something, Dad!" my
son urged. "Okay, okay."
Squeamishly, I reached in and grabbed the foot
when it next appeared, giving it a gingerly tug.
It disappeared. I tried several more times
with the same results. "Should I call
911?" my eldest daughter wanted to know. "Maybe
they could talk us through the trauma." (You
see a pattern here with the females in my
house?) "Let's get Ernie to the vet," I said
grimly. We drove to the vet with
my son holding the cage in his
lap. "Breathe,Ernie, breathe," he
urged. "I don't think hamsters do
Lamaze," his mother noted to him. (Women
can be so cruel to their own young. I mean
what she does to me is one thing, but this
boy is of her womb, for God's sake. The
vet took Ernie back to the examining room and
peered at the little animal through a
magnifying
glass.
"What do you think, Doc, a C-section?"
I suggested scientifically. "Oh,
very interesting," he murmured. "Mr. and Mrs.
Cameron, may I speak to you privately for a
moment?" I gulped, nodding for my son
to step outside. "Is Ernie going to be okay?"
my wife asked. "Oh, perfectly," the
vet assured us. "This hamster is not in labor.
In fact, that isn't EVER going to happen... Ernie
is a boy. You see, Ernie is a young male. And
occasionally, as they come into maturity, like
most male species,
they um....um....masturbate. Just the way he
did, lying on his back." He blushed,
glancing at my wife. "Well, you know what I'm
saying, Mr. Cameron. "We were silent,
absorbing this. "So Ernie's just...just... Excited,"
my wife offered. "Exactly," the vet
replied, relieved that we
understood. More
silence.Then my viscous, cruel
wife started to giggle. And giggle. And then
even laugh loudly. "What's so funny?" I
demanded, knowing, but not believing that
the woman I married would commit the upcoming
affront to my
flawless manliness. Tears were
now running down her face. "It's just...that... I'm
picturing you pulling on its...teeny...little..."
she gasped for more air to bellow in laughter
once more. "That's enough," I
warned. We thanked the Veterinarian and
hurriedly bundled the hamsters and our son
back into the car. He was glad everything
was going to be okay."I know Ernie's
really thankful for what you've done, Dad," he told
me. "Oh, you have NO idea," my
wife agreed, collapsing with
laughter. -
Hamsters = $10, 1 - Cage = $20, Trip to the Vet
=$30, Memory of your husband pulling on a
hamster's wacker...Priceless!!
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Cheers
