For all the dads with teenagers
Subject: FW: Daddy's Daughter
Sorry bout the formating
> I AM SURE ALL OF YOU DOTING DADS WILL ENJOY THIS ONE!
>
>
> Daddy's Daughter - Rules for the boyfriends
>
> Rule One:
> If you pull into my driveway and honk you'd better be delivering a
package,
> because you're sure not picking anything up.
> Rule Two:
> You do not touch my daughter in front of me. You may glance at her, so
long
> as you do not peer at anything below her neck. If you cannot keep your
eyes
> or hands off of my daughter's body, I will remove them.
> Rule Three:
> I am aware that it is considered fashionable for boys of your age to wear
> their trousers so loosely that they appear to be falling off their hips.
> Please don't take this as an insult, but you and all of your friends are
> complete idiots. Still, I want to be fair and open minded about this
issue,
> so I propose this compromise: You may come to the door with your underwear
> showing and your pants ten sizes too big, and I will not object. However,
in
> order to ensure that your clothes do not, infact come off during the
course
> of you date with my daughter, I will take my electric nail gun and fasten
> your trousers securely in place to your waist.
> Rule Four:
> I'm sure you've been told that in today's world, sex without utilizing a
> "Barrier method" of some kind can kill you. Let me elaborate, when it
comes
> to sex, I am the barrrier, and I will kill you.
> Rule Five:
> It is usually understood that in order for us to get to know each other,
we
> should talk about sports, politics, and other issues of the day. Please do
> not do this. The only information I require from you is an indication of
> when you expect to have my daughter safely back at my house, and the only
> word I need from you on this subject is: "early"
> Rule Six:
> I have no doubt you are a popular fellow, with many opportunities to date
> other girls. This is fine with me as long as it is okay with my daughter.
> Otherwise, once you have gone out with my little girl, you will continue
to
> date no one but her until she is finished with you. If you make her cry, I
> will make you cry.
> Rule Seven:
> As you stand in my front hallway, waiting for my daughter to appear, and
> more than an hour goes by, do not sigh and fidget. If you want to be on
time
> for the movie, you should not be dating. My daughter is putting on her
> makeup, a process than can take longer than painting the Golden Gate
Bridge.
> Instead of just standing there, why don't you do something useful, like
> changing the oil in my car?
> Rule Eight:
> The following places are not appropriate for a date with my daughter:
Places
> where there are beds, sofas, or anything softer than a wooden tool. Places
> where there is darkness. Places where there is dancing, holding hands, or
> happiness. Places where the ambient temperature is warm enough to
introduce
> my daughter to wear shorts, tank tops, midriff T-shirts, or anything other
> than overalls, a sweater, and a goose down parka - zipped up to her
throat.
> Movies with a strong romantic or sexual theme are to be avoided; movies
> which features chain saws are okay. Hockey games are okay. Old folks homes
> are better.
> Rule Nine:
> Do not lie to me. I may appear to be a potbellied, balding, middle-aged,
> dimwitted has-been. But on issues relating to my daughter, I am the
> all-knowing, merciless god of your universe. If I ask you where you are
> going and with whom, you have one chance to tell me the truth, the whole
> truth and nothing but the truth. I have a shotgun, a shovel, and five
acres
> behind the house.
> Rule Ten:
> Be afraid. Be very afraid. It takes very little for me to mistake the
sound
> of your car in the driveway for a chopper coming in over a rice paddy near
> Hanoi. When my Agent Orange starts acting up, the voices in my head
> frequently tell me to clean the guns as I wait for you to bring my
daughter
> home. As soon as you pull into the driveways you should exit the car with
> both hands in plain sight. Speak the perimeter password, announce in a
clear
> voice that you have brought my daughter home safely and early, then return
> to your car - there is no need for you to come inside. The camoflaged face
> at the window is mine.
>
|